There are regular days and then there are days like today - when I am dominated by feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger.
I don't know if these feelings are normal, they aren't healthy, for sure.
I miss my mother a lot - so much that I detest anyone in her age group. I detest people around me whose mothers, much older than mine - are alive and well. I want to throw up when people talk about birthdays and anniversaries for their elderly parents. Why didn't I get those opportunities?
The absence of my mother has left a painful gaping hole in my family.
It's like talking and interacting with someone with a significant physical deformity. With the passage of time you try not to show that you are aware of their condition, you try to treat them as normally as you can - but you can't make the fact go away completely - can you?
What was the need for her to go so soon? Couldn't she have lived with us a few more years? What was the hurry? Who decides these things? Who decides who should live for how long and who goes when? What did we do to deserve this?
Is there anything we did for which we were punished so severely?
It's very hard to beleive in God, in a higher power that is kind, benovelent and all-loving, when you're dealt something like this - something totally and utterly non-negotiable.In a world where so many people live, isn't there a little more oxygen she could have breathed, a little space she could have used, a little food she could have eaten, .......
I know there are a lot of people who are in more pain than I.
A child who's the same age as my daughter, in her day care, doesn't have a mom. From when I've learnt this, every time I see that child I struggle to breathe normally for a few seconds.
People whose lives get irreparably affected due to some natural calamity, in a random act of hatred they had nothing to do with - a bomb blast, a hijacked aircraft, a shoot out ....
People who have autistic kids, kids with mental or physical disabilities - what did they do to deserve this?
It is very hard to make sense of pain when you're on the wrong side of the equation. You're filled with anger, you want someone to answer these questions and explain the lack of logic in these happenings.
Everyone has problems. No one's life is perfect. Even so, why do some people's lives seem way more easier and issue free than some of ours.
So many questions. No fitting responses.
I have a sort of love-hate relationship with God. Kind of like the one you may have with your baby's care provider. You don't approve of many things they do, but you need them, depend on them and would much rather keep a cordial relationship for the sake of your child. I have nowhere else to turn but to the same God who gave me all my troubles I am reeling under today.
This piece of writing has no logical flow. I am going to end it as abruptly as I started it. My heart and head are not in the right place today. Life is not fair, especially to some of us, it surely isn't. But it has to go on, until some freak decides to yank us out of this craziness into God knows what, God knows where!
I don't know if these feelings are normal, they aren't healthy, for sure.
I miss my mother a lot - so much that I detest anyone in her age group. I detest people around me whose mothers, much older than mine - are alive and well. I want to throw up when people talk about birthdays and anniversaries for their elderly parents. Why didn't I get those opportunities?
The absence of my mother has left a painful gaping hole in my family.
It's like talking and interacting with someone with a significant physical deformity. With the passage of time you try not to show that you are aware of their condition, you try to treat them as normally as you can - but you can't make the fact go away completely - can you?
What was the need for her to go so soon? Couldn't she have lived with us a few more years? What was the hurry? Who decides these things? Who decides who should live for how long and who goes when? What did we do to deserve this?
Is there anything we did for which we were punished so severely?
It's very hard to beleive in God, in a higher power that is kind, benovelent and all-loving, when you're dealt something like this - something totally and utterly non-negotiable.In a world where so many people live, isn't there a little more oxygen she could have breathed, a little space she could have used, a little food she could have eaten, .......
I know there are a lot of people who are in more pain than I.
A child who's the same age as my daughter, in her day care, doesn't have a mom. From when I've learnt this, every time I see that child I struggle to breathe normally for a few seconds.
People whose lives get irreparably affected due to some natural calamity, in a random act of hatred they had nothing to do with - a bomb blast, a hijacked aircraft, a shoot out ....
People who have autistic kids, kids with mental or physical disabilities - what did they do to deserve this?
It is very hard to make sense of pain when you're on the wrong side of the equation. You're filled with anger, you want someone to answer these questions and explain the lack of logic in these happenings.
Everyone has problems. No one's life is perfect. Even so, why do some people's lives seem way more easier and issue free than some of ours.
So many questions. No fitting responses.
I have a sort of love-hate relationship with God. Kind of like the one you may have with your baby's care provider. You don't approve of many things they do, but you need them, depend on them and would much rather keep a cordial relationship for the sake of your child. I have nowhere else to turn but to the same God who gave me all my troubles I am reeling under today.
This piece of writing has no logical flow. I am going to end it as abruptly as I started it. My heart and head are not in the right place today. Life is not fair, especially to some of us, it surely isn't. But it has to go on, until some freak decides to yank us out of this craziness into God knows what, God knows where!
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