Why?

There are regular days and then there are days like today - when I am dominated by feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger.
I don't know if these feelings are normal, they aren't healthy, for sure.

I miss my mother a lot - so much that I detest anyone in her age group. I detest people around me whose mothers, much older than mine - are alive and well. I want to throw up when people talk about birthdays and anniversaries for their elderly parents. Why didn't I get those opportunities?

The absence of my mother has left a painful gaping hole in my family.
It's like talking and interacting with someone with a significant physical deformity. With the passage of time you try not to show that you are aware of their condition, you try to treat them as normally as you can - but you can't make the fact go away completely - can you?

What was the need for her to go so soon? Couldn't she have lived with us a few more years? What was the hurry? Who decides these things? Who decides who should live for how long and who goes when? What did we do to deserve this?
Is there anything we did for which we were punished so severely?

It's very hard to beleive in God, in a higher power that is kind, benovelent and all-loving, when you're dealt something like this - something totally and utterly non-negotiable.In a world where so many people live, isn't there a little more oxygen she could have breathed, a little space she could have used, a little food she could have eaten, .......

I know there are a lot of people who are in more pain than I.
A child who's the same age as my daughter, in her day care, doesn't have a mom. From when I've learnt this, every time I see that child I struggle to breathe normally for a few seconds.
People whose lives get irreparably affected due to some natural calamity, in a random act of hatred they had nothing to do with - a bomb blast, a hijacked aircraft, a shoot out ....
People who have autistic kids, kids with mental or physical disabilities - what did they do to deserve this?

It is very hard to make sense of pain when you're on the wrong side of the equation. You're filled with anger, you want someone to answer these questions and explain the lack of logic in these happenings.
Everyone has problems. No one's life is perfect. Even so, why do some people's lives seem way more easier and issue free than some of ours.

So many questions. No fitting responses.
I have a sort of love-hate relationship with God. Kind of like the one you may have with your baby's care provider. You don't approve of many things they do, but you need them, depend on them and would much rather keep a cordial relationship for the sake of your child. I have nowhere else to turn but to the same God who gave me all my troubles I am reeling under today.

This piece of writing has no logical flow. I am going to end it as abruptly as I started it. My heart and head are not in the right place today. Life is not fair, especially to some of us, it surely isn't. But it has to go on, until some freak decides to yank us out of this craziness into God knows what, God knows where!

The sands of time

 are trickling down, are trickling down! We all like to stay young, look youthful. No two ways about that. But we'd also be lucky to be able to live healthfully to a good old age.
Children will grow up, move out and have their own lives. We may still share a great bond and communication with them but they will have interests, friends, activities and goals outside of us. It's not like I think a lot about this whole process, but whenever there's any brush with this topic, I struggle to accept this. That kids will grow up and grow out and I'll have to deal with it in a dignified manner. Be there to help and advise but not hover or smother.
It's  very jarring, counter-intuitive yet practical  - that all your young age you work hard to raise kids, everything you do is for their wellbeing, good health, secure future and success. Yet sooner or later they have to be respected as independent individuals who'd love for your to accept and acknowledge their need for independence and their privacy.
    Raising kids is like making a delicate dish like mysore pak - that can go from under cooked to perfect to overdone is a matter of seconds. A little slack and they can go astray, too tight a leash and they can resent you for life. Last thing I want is to hear my kids telling some radio show host how their childhood experiences scarred them for life.
   Our parents did a lot for us. And that's clearly a big understatement. We love them, we worry for them - true. Yet we have settled down to - doing the best given our current life circumstances. Our life that is swamped with work, home, kids schools, extra curricular activities, some mandatory social engagements so on and so forth... It's only natural that we accept that our kids too will become busy adults with busy lives. I like how a lot of westerners start living it up in style once they become empty nesters. Any touristy spot I go to I have always caught an old couple or a bunch of elderly people travelling on their own - visiting new places. I am not streotyping, but more westerners than asian parents seem very comfortable with the idea of enjoying their lives on their own after kids have moved out. To connect your happiness to some activities and interests and not just to a handful of people is very important.
'Learning new things, staying socially active and practising physical fitness' is the key to keeping your brain and body alive and fresh, according to a Boston globe article on aging.  After years of being busy, coming to a screeching halt can cause depression. So changing paths, not speed is vital.
It is not an easy transition, but it could be an exciting time. It is so, say a lot of seniors. A lot of senior dwelling is now becoming commonplace next to universities, where they can take courses. A lot of them enjoy learning new things they only wished they could when their lives were busier and time was scarce. Playing games, developing a new hobby like gardening, painting, cooking or any craft work,  socializing and most importantly - volunteering and social service - being part of a greater cause can give a sense of fulfilment like no other. Not only for a life post retirement, but even for the present a little time spent in indulging or nurturing the 'self' can be very rewarding and open a treasure trove of new and exciting avenues.

What can I say!

Some things I never thought I would hear....

"You're a bad boy, amma"

"Don't cry amma, you're a big boy"

courtesy of two year old DS.


And the subject line of an email ( among many other unmentionables) -
'Sujatha, Be a man of style'

And some things I didn't think I'd hear this early ....


In the check out line at Target,  my daughter and son are playing mother and son. DD says to her brother in a very audible voice " Stay with grandma, don't run!" -  People in my aisle and the next are throwing glances at me.

Option 1 : Run away from there
Option 2 : Announce  - That would not be me!

But I discard both options and stay in the undesired limelight till I pay up and exit with my grand-embarrassment kids.

The chosen one

A bread slice with a scar - wonder what burned you!

First day of first grade

School started this week.  On the first day DD brought home, among other things, a small Ziploc bag filled with sundries- a small cotton ball, a sticker, an eraser, a yarn and so on.  As I was wondering what all these meant I found this note.

 

It was so touching. As adults we find it hard to get back to work after a vacation, why- even a long weekend. I can only imagine what getting back into the school routine after 8-9 weeks must be like for the young-uns. This kind of a start definitely must put the kids' fears at rest and ease them into an exciting and fun-filled new school year - make them want to make new friends,  to be caring and sensitive to the feelings of their friends, to share, to forgive and so on. I was really impressed by how almost every single line stresses on the emotional component of the journey together - of feeling happy and warm in this place away from home and of watching out for each other and comforting and supporting one another.  There was no mention of how this year is crucial to their academic success and and that the children must study for at least 2 hours every day - read and write and do their math- or else they will be doomed.

    As far as I can remember every single class I have been in ( I've gone to three different schools between grades one and ten), my teachers always mentioned two things - 1) how that year was very important and that if we didn't put in the effort, we would go to dust and somewhere by mid year(2) how we were the worst batch they had seen in their 23 or whatever years of experience - the most indisciplined, unruly set of girls. In talking to our seniors and juniors we realized these comments were repeated for every single batch.

    As I came to the end of the note, I thought to myself - in order to bring out the best in someone, they need to become comfortable and relaxed first. Once that happens, fears are banished, confidence shines through and one does not hesitate to ask questions or share their point of view. More importantly, with this kind of a lesson being the foundation to their new school year, kids (hopefully) will learn to empathize with people around them and resolve conflicts between them with fairness and understanding.  Isn't that one of the main reasons they go to school ? To learn to work with others. This will automatically lead to an environment where children can thrive intellectually.  I don't know what these kids will be taught for the rest of this year. But this sure is a great Segway to the beginning of a new chapter. 

Boy! Oh Boy!

Being single and looking for a serious relationship must be hard. In many novels and movies I've seen a pretty, hardworking and sincere girl go through date after date only to be heartbroken and disappointed until she finally meets her Mr.Right! I don't have any idea how match-making websites fare when it comes to helping someone really find their special someone. I have been in the life partner hunt process twice - not for myself - but for each of  my darling sisters.
          More than twelve years ago, I was deeply involved in the groom search process for my older sister. She had a quintessential arranged marriage - spreading the word of the search through friends and family, sending out a handwritten biodata and photographs, matching of hor(r)o(r)scopes, formal girl-seeing by a mini army from the boy's family, engagement and finally a  big tambram wedding! I used to start my sunday mornings with the Hindu newspaper, circling interesting-looking profiles from the matrimonial classifieds. I used to write cover letters to every single family that we contacted with the girl's horoscope and bio-data. I had lengthy and sometimes heated arguments with my mother on why we should let go of really good prospects just based on the fact that horoscopes didn't match. Many a time horoscopes that our astrologer deemed incompatible got the opposite verdict from the groom's side astrologer. And vice versa. This annoyed me to no end. If this is an exact science, 2 + 2 should equal 4, no matter where you computed it - here or at the North Pole, I argued. But my parents were adamant that our astrologer had to give us the green signal to go ahead. I detested how he put a big check mark ( to indicate good matching) or a yucky big cross mark( to mean we could not proceed). The pass or fail was so random according to me. Sometimes I wanted to just bribe him so he would pass good profiles. I once wrote thirty cover letters, attached the necessary paperwork and carefully wrote the addresses on the envelopes, sealed them and made a note of the name and addresses in my diary. I posted the thirty envelopes and came home and said - One of those better work , I am not doing any more. It was draining, just like when buying a house - what you like often does not work out, what is available is hard to like and time is running out. The girl-seeing was another big sore point with me, but my parents insisted on doing things the old fashioned way. But I have to give complete credit to them, in that, they always respected our wishes. My parents never forced anything on my sister throughout the process and she had the complete freedom to say no to anyone she did not feel okay to go ahead with. Finally along came my brother-in-law and the rest as they say is history.
                   My family has now started the groom search for my younger sister. After more than a decade going by and with my mother not being with us physically, this time, I am more then deeply involved. One big difference now is that most of the search happens on matrimony websites and that is completely the norm. While it is easy to have the initial screening process at least at your fingertips - this is a whole new level of what-the-heck?  I am not looking at girls' profiles, so will only share my experience of looking at profiles of prospective grooms. The profile involves some pictures of the individual, a small write-up about the person - written by himself or a family member and other pieces of information - education, hobbies, work etc.
Pictures - 
Category 1 : No pictures. - To this I want to say, 'Take a hike'. If you do not want to share some pictures with a prospective girl's family, you have no business being on this site. The photo is the first level of screening, it's hard to start communicating in this context without seeing a basic picture of someone.
Category 2 :  A long shot on some snowcovered mountain or amidst a tea estate- hello!!!! If I've never seen you before I cannot appreciate you looking like a tiny dot in a big picture. Sunglasses on- everyone looks stylish with shades on, please! Without seeing your eyes I cannot figure out how you look.
Cap on head : how bald are you, I haven't a clue!
Hair being blown left, right or all directions by the wind/ long due for a cut : how hard is it to do a simple combing/styling?
Smile please - or at least don't frown - Seriously I have seen so many pictures with a sharp, rude stare or a grumpy expression - it's very off-putting.
Group picture : showing up with half-a-dozen friends in the picture makes it hard to get a good look and to put one such picture on a matrimonial site makes one go - what was he thinking?
If any of the above type of pictures coexist with a couple of good ones, I don't have an issue. But, many times, some profiles are guilty of all of the above.

When you get past the pictures, you land on the 'a few words about...'. If it is the parents or a family member that introduces the boy, mostly , one can be a little considerate. But when the boy writes about himself, I am hoping to see a decent write-up without too much bragging. Say a few things - about where you grew up, your education, what you do, your hobbies and what sort of a person you are and what kind of a person you are looking for.
Sometimes I'll see a ' looking for a beautiful, fair,slim, tall, well educated, girl' and that's it.  On many occasions - intelligent, responsible and well behaved girl - have also been added to this list.  Seriously?

Ah! Life would be so bleh! but for all these different people !!!!


       

My desi girl.......

There's something heartwarming about seeing people embrace something outside of their culture, especially when that culture happens to be yours. There's nothing narrow minded or conservative about that feeling - we've all experienced that smile that lights up faces when you, as a foreigner speak even a few words in someone's native tongue.
I exchanged a few words in Japanese once with a few ladies that were a part of a tour bus full of Japanese tourists when sightseeing in Vancouver, Canada. They were so thrilled, they all clapped for me!!!!
Today I met Ms.K who's originally from Poland and is married to an Indian from Madhya Pradesh. What caught my attention was the beautiful mangalsutra she proudly wears around her neck.  The chunky black and gold beads had me doing a double take. Most Indian women these days choose to wear one selectively (on festivals and important days) or go without one. While wearing a  mangalsutra is now a matter of personal beliefs and choice, and I am not arguing for or against it,  it was cute to find a non desi wear it with such elan. She was also very kind to pose for me - thank you K, for also bringing me out of blogging hibernation for almost a year now.