Bloodline-part 2

Rafael's older brother would not come around to this fact. He wanted to hear none of it, he wanted to have nothing to do with these developments.
Then, one of the half brothers was visiting the U.S. to see his daughter. He came down to meet Rafael, who then drove him three hundred fifty miles to their father's grave. That brother was eight months old when their dad left and had absolutely no memories of him. Rafael could not help thinking that as much as he and his brothers felt cheated, the other siblings also weren't given a fair deal. They grew up with just their mom never understanding why their dad had forsaken them. The two brothers stood in silence at the grave of the man that had given them life, hurt them both in different ways and united them after his death.
     After much passionate and heated arguments flew in all directions, Rafael's older brother was finally convinced to reunite with the other side of their family. The one sibling of their dad, their aunt, they came to know, has Alzheimer's. Rafael flew to Brazil last year to see his new-old family! He shares that the warmth of his half siblings and their families has moved him beyond words can describe. They too must feel bitter and resentful. But both sides chose love over grudges, forgiveness over anger. A few thousand miles and a few tens of years, two different continents could not keep this bloodline from coming together again! This year Rafael along with his brothers and all their families is going for one big reunion trip to meet their south American family!
   I listened in complete amazement to this real life story that outshines any tearjerker book or movie. I vicariously felt the twists and turns from the point of view of both sets of siblings and their feelings toward their parents, long gone!
I felt a renewed sense of hope and positivity from this story that ultimately life is all about love! Human beings cannot thrive if we don't understand, contemplate, forgive and love!

Bloodline - part 1

Heard this amazing real life story from a friend, who I'll call Rafael for the purpose of this story.
He is a fifty-something man living happily with his wife and his almost twenty year old kids. About twelve years ago, his dad passed away. And his mom had passed away a couple of years before that. His dad (let's call him Rafael Senior) grew up in Brazil. My friend's mom was born and raised in Austria. When she wanted to immigrate to the U.S., she was advised to go to Brazil and then move to the United States from there. At the time, this was the best option in front of her. So she moved to Brazil, met Rafael Sr. there and married him. They had three sons, my friend being the middle one. And then the couple moved to the States with their three sons.
Now, why am I detailing this family story - wait, it gets interesting!
      Turns out, Rafael Sr. dropped out of college after studying engineering for three years. With this, he earned the wrath of his father who threw him out of his house. From then on, he's had no connections with his family. My friend Rafael, thus, has never met his paternal grandparents or any of his uncles or aunts on his dad's side. The ties remained severed. After his father's demise, Rafael tried to find his dad's side of the family by registering on a South American missing persons' website, with details of his dad. For a long time, he didn't get any response. Ten years later, one day, out of the blue, he received an email from someone who clamied to be his brother - from another mother!
Now Rafael was trying to connect with his dad's siblings- his uncles and aunts, not with his own possible siblings! He thought it was a scam and didn't want to have any communication with the man who had reached out. But after some goading from his wife, Rafael continued the conversation. He was provided with pictures of Rafael Sr., wedding pictures of Rafael Sr. with another woman and family pictures with three kids - a sister and two brothers!
His head began to spin. Birth certificates and marriage certificates and more proof was willingly shared. It took a long time to process all these. His dad had been married before and had had three kids before he ever met his mom. His dad had never mentioned this woman or the kids to his mom or the three of them brothers. The first wife of Rafael Sr. had passed away too. Rafael's mind felt like it was spinning inside a clothes washer.
    After much thinking and talking, Rafael set up a video conference call with his half brothers and sisters. Eighteen of them had gotten together on the other side of the call to talk to Rafael and his younger brother. When he saw his oldest half brother, his heart skipped a beat. He looked exactly like a younger version of his dad, moved and spoke and smiled just like him. Like fog clearing from the first rays of sun, the weeks of denial was starting to abate. In its place, inexplicable emotions quickly lodged themselves, cushioned amply by restlessness and turmoil.

As the years go by....

When he seemed to have forgotten the word romance
As each day I gave us another hopeful chance
While he seemed to be at ease with pragmatic logic
I desperately looked for some spontaneity and magic

Many moons came and went after our honeymoon
Today he no longer makes me swoon
An unsung hero, like a soldier at the border
He gives my capricious crazy self, a rhythmic order

In times of crises, he's been by my side
Without saying a word, he's carried me over many a tide
Like a vital organ chugging away without praise
He orchestrates our life in big and small ways

That hopeless romantic in me is still alive
But I think I've  tamed her, so real love can thrive
The many moments where two people encourage, support and fight it out
Form the beautiful landscape that a true relationship is all about !

Happy Wedding Anniversary to my dear husband! 

Sugar!

Sugar - sweet, seductive and enslaving!
Even those of us that say we don't really have a sweet tooth, are ensnared by it, whether we know it  or not. It exists in about 60 different forms and aliases in packaged foods. There's very little you can buy at a supermarket, that has a nutrition label and no sugar in it, health food or otherwise.
I've been doing a lot of reading about sugar, thanks to a dear friend who first shared with me Dr.Robert Lustig's youtube sensation video - Sugar, the bitter truth. I am not a scientist, nutritionist, dietician or in any way an authority on this subject. All that I am about to share here is knowledge gleaned from sources like Dr.Lustig who I've come to respect and love for being so selflessly dedicated to the cause of public health and his crusade against sugar. He is one of the rarities of our time when majority of the responsible people in public health, USDA, FDA, policy makers are all simply spokespersons of the food industry - sugar, dairy, corn, meat etc.
This and the next few posts will be an attempt at journaling what I've learnt before I can forget. Comments, suggestions and feedback are welcome.
Firstly some videos for you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3ksKkCOgTw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1cCXH-XGhI

https://www.youtube.com/watchv=ceFyF9px20Y&list=PLpjST35qoZmrbxePlsBYNUMO4QOH-cn_n&index=2

Please read the nutrition label of every single packaged food you buy. Pay attention to serving size mentioned at the top and then scroll down to Sugars.The serving size is usually a measly 3/4 cup or 1/2 cup , the package will have a total of say, 22 servings.

Each serving will have the specified amount of sugar. 

4 g of sugar is 1 teaspoon. 

For example, in a single serving of simple plain Cheerios cereal- 3/4 cup- the sugar content is 9g, slightly more than 2 tsps. An average person will have at least 4 servings in one go. That is about 8-9 spoons of sugar.Once you start observing and noting this, you'll be appalled at the sugar content of everyday foods - bread, pasta sauce, ketchup, cereal, even cough drops and such.

The cup is the standard measuring cup used in all recipes. Not any bowl or cup in your kitchen. 

Many years ago I used to naively think the entire sugar in the package is the one listed. Did not realize it is for one single serving.

Packaged foods should be minimized as much as possible.If you must buy, choose one with fewest, simplest ingredients.If you don't recognize it or find it hard to pronounce or spell it, forget it.

Sugar is hiding in several aliases like maltodexterose, invert sugar, beet sugar, evaporated cane juice etc.

MRI scans show that sugar activates the same pleasure centers in brain as cocaine or nicotine. Sugar is a drug, addiction is real. That's why we feel withdrawal - headache and restlessness when we miss our coffee ( caffeine too)  or a sugary snack. I worry about non packaged foods where sugar is hiding in unknown quantities. Sweets, snacks and savories - restaurant food like thai curry, papaya salad, Indian sweets etc.

So, to do something about this, a few cousins and I have started a 2 week sugar free challenge yet again. Last time, I did it alone, I think I lasted a week and then some social engagement swallowed me whole. This time, hopefully the group effort will help us all stay afloat. The enthusiasm from the group is infectious, I couldn't be more proud.

Why 2 weeks? 2 weeks is kind of the time the body needs to overcome sugar cravings, for the palate to readjust, detoxify and hopefully start thriving on non sugary foods. It is not to say that after two weeks it'll all be back to usual. This period is to build self awareness and hopefully some of us will discover at least a few habits that can be carried forward. Say, we no longer feel the need for a after dinner dessert or sugar in coffee/tea or that we can do very well without white rice - and so on.

It happened one evening.....

It was a regular crazy busy weekday evening. I rushed from my workplace to pick up both kids, one after another. Upon reaching home, I fixed the kids a quick snack, made coffee for my dad and myself and flung myself immediately into the exercise of preparing dinner.
It was only a few months after my mother's very sudden departure. Every second the four of us - we three sisters and my dad ached and grieved in a way that words cannot describe. My older sister's and my thoughts swayed between our kid sister who was a resident student still in school, thousands of miles away and our frail, guileless dad whose entire universe was my mom. Despite my very demanding routine, I hurt so bad, even breathing felt like a difficult chore - poisonous air filling my lungs and leaving them continuously!
  The opening of the garage door mingled with the pressure cooker whistles and general din in the kitchen. The kids ran toward the garage calling out "appa! appa!" greeting their dad with excitement. My dad joined them also, saying "appa!, appa!" Surprised, I asked my dad " Is he appa for you too?"
My father responded " He bought me tee shirt, razors and walking shoes. He takes me to the temple. He bought me medicines when I had a cold. He feeds me, clothes me and takes care of me. So, yes, he is my appa!"
I had to sit down for a couple of minutes to handle that answer. My throat was dry, my breathing heavy and I simply couldn't bring words out of my overflowing heart!
I had heard sons-in-law being referred to as sons by their fathers-in-law. But this, came as a surprise. Didn't know whether to marvel at my dad's beautiful interpretation or at my husband's little acts of kindness and affection that won over my dad's heart.
Without flowers or surprise gifts, without jewelry or candlelight dinner, my husband had given me such a sweet feeling - I realized that evening that I had definitely transitioned from a girl to a woman.
Caught in the crossfire of love, I relished the last sip from my cup of coffee and proceeded to finish making dinner.

Why?

There are regular days and then there are days like today - when I am dominated by feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger.
I don't know if these feelings are normal, they aren't healthy, for sure.

I miss my mother a lot - so much that I detest anyone in her age group. I detest people around me whose mothers, much older than mine - are alive and well. I want to throw up when people talk about birthdays and anniversaries for their elderly parents. Why didn't I get those opportunities?

The absence of my mother has left a painful gaping hole in my family.
It's like talking and interacting with someone with a significant physical deformity. With the passage of time you try not to show that you are aware of their condition, you try to treat them as normally as you can - but you can't make the fact go away completely - can you?

What was the need for her to go so soon? Couldn't she have lived with us a few more years? What was the hurry? Who decides these things? Who decides who should live for how long and who goes when? What did we do to deserve this?
Is there anything we did for which we were punished so severely?

It's very hard to beleive in God, in a higher power that is kind, benovelent and all-loving, when you're dealt something like this - something totally and utterly non-negotiable.In a world where so many people live, isn't there a little more oxygen she could have breathed, a little space she could have used, a little food she could have eaten, .......

I know there are a lot of people who are in more pain than I.
A child who's the same age as my daughter, in her day care, doesn't have a mom. From when I've learnt this, every time I see that child I struggle to breathe normally for a few seconds.
People whose lives get irreparably affected due to some natural calamity, in a random act of hatred they had nothing to do with - a bomb blast, a hijacked aircraft, a shoot out ....
People who have autistic kids, kids with mental or physical disabilities - what did they do to deserve this?

It is very hard to make sense of pain when you're on the wrong side of the equation. You're filled with anger, you want someone to answer these questions and explain the lack of logic in these happenings.
Everyone has problems. No one's life is perfect. Even so, why do some people's lives seem way more easier and issue free than some of ours.

So many questions. No fitting responses.
I have a sort of love-hate relationship with God. Kind of like the one you may have with your baby's care provider. You don't approve of many things they do, but you need them, depend on them and would much rather keep a cordial relationship for the sake of your child. I have nowhere else to turn but to the same God who gave me all my troubles I am reeling under today.

This piece of writing has no logical flow. I am going to end it as abruptly as I started it. My heart and head are not in the right place today. Life is not fair, especially to some of us, it surely isn't. But it has to go on, until some freak decides to yank us out of this craziness into God knows what, God knows where!

The sands of time

 are trickling down, are trickling down! We all like to stay young, look youthful. No two ways about that. But we'd also be lucky to be able to live healthfully to a good old age.
Children will grow up, move out and have their own lives. We may still share a great bond and communication with them but they will have interests, friends, activities and goals outside of us. It's not like I think a lot about this whole process, but whenever there's any brush with this topic, I struggle to accept this. That kids will grow up and grow out and I'll have to deal with it in a dignified manner. Be there to help and advise but not hover or smother.
It's  very jarring, counter-intuitive yet practical  - that all your young age you work hard to raise kids, everything you do is for their wellbeing, good health, secure future and success. Yet sooner or later they have to be respected as independent individuals who'd love for your to accept and acknowledge their need for independence and their privacy.
    Raising kids is like making a delicate dish like mysore pak - that can go from under cooked to perfect to overdone is a matter of seconds. A little slack and they can go astray, too tight a leash and they can resent you for life. Last thing I want is to hear my kids telling some radio show host how their childhood experiences scarred them for life.
   Our parents did a lot for us. And that's clearly a big understatement. We love them, we worry for them - true. Yet we have settled down to - doing the best given our current life circumstances. Our life that is swamped with work, home, kids schools, extra curricular activities, some mandatory social engagements so on and so forth... It's only natural that we accept that our kids too will become busy adults with busy lives. I like how a lot of westerners start living it up in style once they become empty nesters. Any touristy spot I go to I have always caught an old couple or a bunch of elderly people travelling on their own - visiting new places. I am not streotyping, but more westerners than asian parents seem very comfortable with the idea of enjoying their lives on their own after kids have moved out. To connect your happiness to some activities and interests and not just to a handful of people is very important.
'Learning new things, staying socially active and practising physical fitness' is the key to keeping your brain and body alive and fresh, according to a Boston globe article on aging.  After years of being busy, coming to a screeching halt can cause depression. So changing paths, not speed is vital.
It is not an easy transition, but it could be an exciting time. It is so, say a lot of seniors. A lot of senior dwelling is now becoming commonplace next to universities, where they can take courses. A lot of them enjoy learning new things they only wished they could when their lives were busier and time was scarce. Playing games, developing a new hobby like gardening, painting, cooking or any craft work,  socializing and most importantly - volunteering and social service - being part of a greater cause can give a sense of fulfilment like no other. Not only for a life post retirement, but even for the present a little time spent in indulging or nurturing the 'self' can be very rewarding and open a treasure trove of new and exciting avenues.