Parenting, so far, for me has been a stimulating, rewarding, enriching, sleep depriving, exhillarating, under-the-table-crawling .... cornucopia of experiences. Must remind myself my daughter is just two and a half and there are more peaks to scale in this journey! One unique thing about motherhood - you have never before with anyone in your life resonated so much in their joy and pain. When your child is excited upon seeing a new toy, your heart soars. When he/she cries in pain, every cell in your heart aches. Now I can understand the expression - it's like having a piece of your heart walk outside your body!
DD has started at a new day care this week. Each day her settling down gets worse and worse. From crying for five minutes, she's progressed to one hour. She's not eating. Even her sippy cup comes back with milk( on which she practically lives)! Her dad dopped her at day care once and swore he'll never go through it again since it breaks his heart to leave his weeping, screaming daughter at day care and walk away mercilessly. Never mind the fact that I have to do it everyday!
I have been preparing her for this transition talking to her about the new place at every chance I get with her , every time she'd care to hear me. Initially she was excited , probably the gravity of spending an entire 8-9 hour day in a new place amidst new faces had not sunk in as yet!
I asked her softly last evening what she doesn't like about the new place, she says ' they have yucky carpet!'. My eyebrows go up a half inch looking at the mess she's made of the carpet at home!
Yesterday her teacher told me , when she was talking to someone on the phone, DD walks up to her and asks " Are you calling my dad to come pick me up? ". I am speechless!
Change is hard. Especially for me! As much as monotony and boredom set in easily, I am 'snug as a bug in a rug' most of the time. I resist any change. I can understand my daughter's situation. It does take a good deal of time to start feeling comfortable with your new environment.
The thing that really wrings my heart is, with lies and deception I manage to buckle her up in her car seat and drive her to her school. Once there, as she's fighting and struggling when the teacher literally tears her away from me, her flushed face and teary eyes shoot an expression of 'You too, Brutus?"! That realization that the one person closest to you, who you think understands you well is also hand-in-glove in this conspiracy - is evident on her face. I walk away partly because that's what I have to do, not linger and make it any more difficult for the teachers, mostly because I cannot stomach the emotion she hits me with! I drown in guilt as the tide of anger and helpless frustration ebbs and flows until I get to work and drown myself further in yet another set of challenges and issues. Motherhood smolders inside quitely singeing away at weak , lame attempts to justify it all saying it's what is practical! And that you can do nothing about it. I know in two weeks she'll be all settled in , adjusted and will start enjoying her new place and friends. But right now, she's in pain and I am in bigger pain.
Hi Sujatha, very touchy..... Well written.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nivea! It's very hard, but I guess we all go through these experiences and come out of the other end in pretty good shape! :-)
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written ! So much so I can feel the anguish and the frustration. I am sure forwarding this to my mom :).I know how difficult it was to push my little sister into going to school. My mom literally had to tie her to the rickshaw. The good part is, once they are comfortable with the surroundings, they start enjoying it so much that the pushing seems worth it.
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